korean bi bim bap (or) nate's tear gas with rice

ingredients:

• pot of rice
• several carrots
• one cold cucumber
• several eggs
• one daikon radish
• several dried shitake mushrooms (optional)
• sesame seeds
• walnut and/or sesame oil
• chili sauce
• garlic
• several dried chili peppers
• rice wine vinegar
• soy sauce
• lots of kleenex

how to cook:

first, make a pot of rice and let it sit

soak mushrooms in warm water (do this early, so that they don't end up like cardboard like mine did). Matchstick carrots and radish and shred or matchstick cucumber. Stirfry the mushrooms and set them aside. Stirfry radish, carrots and garlic. Dump in some sesame seeds and a splash soy sauce and vinegar. When the wok (use a wok) gets really hot throw in the dried chopped chili peppers- this will create a cloud of noxious steam that will cause every one else to flee the room weeping and coughing (too many cooks spoil the broth anyway).

Fry up one egg per diner- if you have an animal-lover-sissy-vegetarian like Bill in your band, scramble the eggs so they don't make him think of chicken babies and put him off his feed (just kidding, Bill, we love you). Put rice in bowls, top with stirfried veggies, one mushroom, one egg, and a pile of cold shredded cucumber. Douse with hot chili sauce and sprinkle with more sesame seeds, then prepare for pain (the good kind).

serving suggestions:

for dessert, we recommend pooling coupons for a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia and a pint of Chunky Monkey. With a sharp knife, quarter each ice cream container and divide among the band. Finish off with a cup of French pressed free-trade coffee and a piece of candied ginger.

—Nate Bynum

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